HN Books @HNBooksMonth

It's much worse than the article suggests. The article doesn't explain why people don't marry. People who marry before middle-age often have secure attachment styles. The dating pool from middle age on consists primarily of people with insecure attachment styles. Relationships with insecurely attached people are especially problematic. If you're not married, but want to be, look for widows or widowers with secure attachment styles, and work on developing secure attachment.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-You...

https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Disturbances-Adults-Treatm...

⬐ actually_a_dog

Do you have evidence for this besides 2 links to books on Amazon that I can't currently read? My searches aren't finding much in the way of papers and such.

⬐ cyberbanjo

Both are available on SCIHUB

⬐ kilroy123

This might be true but my gut and experience says it's way more complicated than that.

⬐ exporectomy

This stuff is awful. So many lives ruined by having it in either themselves or their spouse.

⬐ vernon99

This is actually a very good point often missed in similar discussions. People have different personalities and traumas and some are more suited for stable relations (what you call secure here) and some are less (anxious/avoidant types in this framework). And as you can imagine, more secure personalities find partners in life sooner.

Because of that both later age dating pool and also dating app pools are in general scewed towards insecure types. Doesn’t mean dating 20yo is a guarantee for a more stable person, but chances are generally higher.

On the other hand, I feel, security increases with the age, but for a very small portion of the population actively working on it (therapy, practices, ceremonies).

(Restatement from a comment I posted previously[0] in a related thread.)

My go-to reference is

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair by Daniel P. Brown PhD & David S. Elliott PhD. [1]

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21739622

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Disturbances-Adults-Treatm...

Yes! I like to think my life (relationships, work performance, hiring, firing, well-being) would have been completely different had I known about and understood attachment theory. (I have only learned about it in the last few years.) For me, it explains nearly everything in psychology that has been unclear or mysterious.

My go-to reference is

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair by Daniel P. Brown PhD & David S. Elliott PhD. [0]

It's a dry academic text intended for therpists that details the development of therapeutic approaches based on attachment theory, as well as specific treatment protocols for various insecure attachment styles.

Change is possible, as is working with people who have attachment difficulties.

George Haas, a meditation teacher in LA, has developed a way of using Vipassana meditation as a method of self-therapy.[1]

[0] https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Disturbances-Adults-Treatm...

[1] https://www.mettagroup.org/classes#intensives