HN Books @HNBooksMonth

I know well how strong feelings run on this.

But there is zero experimental evidence that memories get recovered, and lots of evidence about how easy it is to create false memories. We have lots of cases where recovered memories contradict objective evidence. Memories "recovered" tie to the therapist more than anything else (one will specialize in satanic rituals, the next in a series of terminated pregnancies). And so on.

Therefore I concluded decades ago that we should presume recovered memories to be false unless there is specific evidence otherwise.

Now you say, Many CSA survivors today now say that the obsessive focus on "false memories" has been a significant obstacle to healing from their trauma and being able to discuss it openly. But who are you counting as "CSA survivors"? Those like myself whose memories were never "recovered"? Or people who claim to have suppressed their memories and then later "recovered" them? Because those two groups have very different sets of experiences. And often very different opinions. Particularly about the phenomena of "recovered memories".

Regardless of which definition you use, here is the most important lesson that I learned about recovery. What actually happened is not very important. The dynamics which enabled the abuse, come from it, and with which we harm ourselves ARE important. And these are things that exist and can be dealt with in the present, with no regard to our unreliable memories of the past. Indeed the act of dwelling on those past memories brings grief and unhappiness, and elaborating on them serves no useful purpose.

Related, I learned the hard way that what feels good for me, and what IS good for me, are often very different. As https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv... says in its backward law, "Desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience; accepting a negative experience is a positive experience." Trying to place the blame for my problems entirely on an external abuser, no matter how real that abuser is, becomes a negative experience. By contrast accepting the ways in which I have perpetuated the experience of being abused becomes a positive experience.

Therefore while publicly rehearsing the details of a person's recovered memories may feel good in the moment, I firmly believe that the act of doing so CAUSES trauma, and works AGAINST healing. And indeed the belief that it is helpful is due to incorrect theories about therapy - the same theories by which false memories can wind up implanted.

Or as Mark Manson put it, people give so many fucks about petty things because they have nothing more important to give a fuck about.

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

More people need to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

⬐ catacombs

The book is terrible. Mark Manson is terrible. Yes, by all means people should read, but not this. There is plenty of good literature, especially fiction, that doles out the same advice but in more tactful manner, rather than the writings of a guy's lifetime of good fortune.

⬐ airstrike

> The book is terrible. Mark Manson is terrible.

Ad hominem.

> There is plenty of good literature

Never claimed otherwise, and it's not a zero-sum game.

> especially fiction

Sure, but different strokes for different folks, and there's something to be said about the directness of a self-help book vs. fiction.

> that doles out the same advice but in more tactful manner

His blunt voice is precisely why many find the book valuable. It cuts to the chase. The title itself makes it clear that this is what you'll get, so opening the book expecting otherwise would be nonsensical.

> rather the writings of a guy's lifetime of good fortune

His good fortune has no bearing on the value of his ideas. Again an ad hominem.

+1 for the Mark Manson reference. Loved this post in particular: https://markmanson.net/you-cant-have-it-all

What I love is how explains the various tradeoffs and opportunity costs of having one thing, but not the other.

His book the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a must-read too: https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

Give this book a try: The subtle art of not giving a fuck[1].

It is about being happy and putting an end to negative thoughts.

[1] https://www.amazon.co.uk/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuit...

Not giving a fuck.

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

⬐ tmaly

I actually just started reading this book last week. So far it is a really good read.

⬐ fcanela

I can not recommend enough Mark Manson work. Also, if you are into stoicism, you may love Ryan Holiday books too.

The people who appreciate your projects and would love to thank you everyday for your amazing work are the silent majority.

See Font Awesome 5. When they announced the KickStarter on HN, a minority criticized the existing library (like how the lib is shitty) or their future plans (like how having a pro version is wrong). But at the end, they raised almost $1 million. That shows how the biggest part of the community is really thankful.

If FA5 can raise $1M, I can't even imagine how much could raise Babel, Webpack or Homebrew. You made our lives so much easier.

---

Also, can't recommend enough this book:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life - https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

I can relate to that and part of it is probably because we don't want to be left out, we don't want to miss the latest technology that will make us obsolete, etc.

1) Reading HN all the time creates a false sense that things are moving much faster than they really are.

2) I'd suggesting reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and it'll remind you your time is finite

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitiv...

⬐ bogomipz

I couldn't help but see an irony in the Amazon description for this book considering the subject being discussed :)

"In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger cuts through the crap to show us how to stop trying to be "positive" all the time so that we can truly become better, happier people."

That being said this looks interesting and I am going to give this a read. Thanks for the tip!

⬐ tcrews

Indeed. The book is really good in the first half. The second half is a mishmash of common sense advice, but I still found it useful.

⬐ _audakel

The art of not giving a fuck link was actually pretty good read

⬐ _audakel

Also may give the false impression that you are becoming smarter though contact with constant flow of info

⬐ sean_patel

Absolutely no need to buy the book. Just read his original blog post that is more or less a TLDR; version of this bloated Amazon book. It made a huge difference in my work life. Everytime I found myself in a dumb user or arrogant dev or inept manager type situation (in meetings or emails or face-2-face), I would think back to this blog post and instantly feel better.

Mark Manson "THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F_CK" (12 minute read) => https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

⬐ ppgn

Thanks for the TLDR!